


finality

by crownsandbirds



Category: Berserk (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Introspection, Kissing, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25409095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownsandbirds/pseuds/crownsandbirds
Summary: "As Griffith keeps Guts' wrecked, beaten, broken body cradled to his chest, he smiles."Griffith and Guts at the end of it all.
Relationships: Griffith/Guts (Berserk)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 95





	finality

Griffith doesn't kill Guts immediately after defeating him. 

There is no point. Griffith has always enjoyed clean, neat fights, with clear finishing blows - wasn't that exactly what he wanted the first time they ever fought? Surgical dislocation of Guts' shoulder, and the fight was over, and Griffith could take his face between his hands and  _ own  _ him. There had been nothing left to interpretation about that fight. Same as there had been nothing when Guts won and left, as much as Griffith spent his entire miserable year of torture trying to find another explanation other than,  _ he doesn't want me anymore _ . Then and there, Guts had retrieved his freedom, taken Griffith's ownership of him away from his grasp, and that also was clear, and evident. But there has never been anything easy to comprehend when it comes to him and now everything is set back to where it began, but different. It's always different with Guts, and besides -

Besides, this man. How rough and jagged on the edges, this man. This boy. Forever a boy in Griffith's eyes, crude and raw and earnest, heavy sword, a scowl on his handsome face, quick to anger, quick to attack, easier to subdue than he himself thought. That same boy he had defeated so long ago, who had bit his saber and twisted him around, that same boy who had called his face  _ pretty _ and who had become his and who had always been the single thread keeping Griffith tied to the small, petty human reality so underneath him now. It's been years. Griffith doesn't know how many - time has been something trifle in the face of the eternity he has set before him ever since the Eclipse. But not this boy: the boy who had left him, who had come back for him, who had survived despite all odds. 

Guts can't talk. He's too close to dying. All of his strength is going towards one more minute of survival, one more minute of life. Griffith doesn't mind. He is in no rush, and he has never needed for Guts to talk in order to understand him. At this moment, here, over the ground, over Guts' spilled blood, they're the only two beings in the universe who understand each other. 

It's so peaceful. The sun shines over them, not burning hot, but welcoming and warm. The breeze flutters through white, long hair. 

"It's alright," Griffith says as he moves to sit down and gently places Guts' head on his lap, wipes the blood off his face with his shining white cape. "I'm here."

Guts opens his mouth, chokes on his own blood and slashed throat. He looks anguished. He looks defeated. Griffith doesn't want him to suffer. He doesn't want for their last moment together to be a moment of pain for either of them. He has been waiting for this all his life. He wants this to be perfect. He shushes Guts, caresses his face with the back of his knuckles, touches the tip of his finger to the jagged scar slashing through Guts' eyelids. How much he has suffered, in his mindless chase, in his desperate yearning. It hurts Griffith to imagine, so much effort, in such a useless path. There had never been any other way. Why didn't Guts see that from the start? Why did he force himself through wearing the Berserk armor, that crude, violent thing, tearing apart the body Griffith had desired and adored for so long? Why did he spend so many nights unable to sleep, fighting away demons? 

Why did he leave? 

_ Some things _ , Griffith realizes,  _ I will never understand. Even as a God. There are things that will always be beyond my comprehension in regards to this man who has always belonged to me.  _

It brings him comfort to notice that, when Guts dies, there will be nothing else in the world he doesn't control. Guts was the loose end of his eternal kingdom, the gash of blood, the scar, the lingering pain, the black stain in the stream of clear, white perfection. Griffith hadn't been ready to give him up before. In a sense, Guts surviving the Eclipse had also been the single manifestation of the remnants of Griffith's humanity. He hadn't been ready to let go of his soldier, his companion, his boy. Now, however, he understands everything better than he did. He is not driven, now, by mad resentment and despair. He is now beautiful as he was before everything. He could notice the desire in Guts' eyes even after everything, even under the immediate glazed-over panic in his irises. He is more powerful than before, infinitely more powerful. He comprehends how things should be. There is no point to dragging on a fight whose ending was decided long ago. There is no place for petty wantonness in a God's life. There will always be a part of him who loves Guts, adores him, wants him. But he must keep that to himself, and with that fuel his power. He cannot have any loose ends. 

As he keeps Guts' wrecked, beaten, broken body cradled to his chest, he smiles. 

"You should've come to me sooner." He presses a delicate kiss on Guts' forehead, and then another. He is happier than he has ever been. "I cannot imagine how it might have been, to spend so many sleepless nights, to lose so many people, to witness so much death. I could've spared you from that, my friend. I could have given you rest. Peace of mind."

Guts grimaces up at him, but there's no more strength left in him, no more ability to fight or even speak in contrary to Griffith's statements. He has been rendered powerless. There's nothing else he can do. He exhausted all of his possibilities, and every single one of them was useless. 

"You had only to stay at my side. Was that so much to ask?" Griffith says, almost soothingly. He pets Guts' coarse hair, thick with blood. There's so much blood everywhere. Covering them. Like they are swimming in an ocean together. Griffith realizes how precious this moment is, how intimate. He has never been closer to Guts in his entire existence. He doesn't want to be anywhere else. He figures Guts doesn't either - there is nowhere else better than this. Just the two of them, and their shared blood, and Guts' desperate inhale for air calming down to a resigned rhythm of ever-slowing breathing. 

"You could've stayed at my side. Forever. The two of us. Can you imagine? Our kingdom." Guts frowns up at him. Griffith chuckles. "Yes, I was never much one for sharing, was I? But for you, Guts - for you, I would have yielded. I would have done anything, back then, to keep you with me. How foolish I was. How human." He shakes his head, tucks a long strand of hair behind his ear. "How desperately in love."

Guts' single working eye widens. Griffith laughs, crystal-clear silver bells in the warm breeze, places his hand over a gaping wound in Guts' chest. Griffith doesn't know how he's still alive. Perhaps it was written in fate that they would end like this. Time is an unimportant trifle, once more. The moment stretches onwards and ever onwards. "Yes, you must have known. At least part of you. How in love with you I was. How in love with you I have always been. I wanted you more than I ever wanted anyone else. I believed that having you by my side as I built my perfect kingdom would be the apex of my existence. Ah. Who knows," he says. "This is the apex. This was always meant to happen. You are supposed to die by my hands, and I will carry on living, and bringing to reality the dream I always had."

"Deep down, Guts," Griffith looks at his face, touches his lips. How he had longed to kiss those lips, before. How many times he had imagined it. He bows his head, presses a lingering kiss to Guts' mouth. It tastes bitter. He relishes on it. Delights in the way Guts' heartbeat picks up with the touch. "Deep down, your dream was me. Your dream, that you left so so hastily and foolishly to encounter, would always be me. You were always meant to come back to me. Even now, even as you might not be aware of it, this is your dream. Me, and you in my arms, in the end of all that you ever knew."

Guts opens his mouth, coughs, falls back limp to Griffith's arms. Griffith shushes him again, covers him with his cape. "Everything is alright," he says. "I'm here. I'm not leaving you."

There is not much time left for Guts, even as Griffith has all of eternity. He takes a short knife, and cuts off a lock of Guts' coarse, dark hair. He places it inside a locket that he had already clasped around his neck, the pendant right over his heart. He takes hold of Guts' huge, heavy sword, and puts it on top of his body, and crosses Guts' hands over it. He kisses the broken knuckles. "A warrior," he declares. "My warrior. You fought until the very end for me, with honor. You died in my place and time of choice, as I swore you would. I shall never forget you as I carry on with my kingdom. And you can breathe easily, with the knowledge that your dream was fulfilled, and here I am." 

He holds Guts closer again. Something is straining inside his ribcage, that last bloodied thread of humanity, the final step in the stairway to heaven. It hurts, and he relishes in the sensation of it. "Even now, it is hard to let you go," he admits, as he watches the way Guts leans into his hand, a human's instinctive search for comfort and warmth. The Berserk armor is fading away, leaving only Guts' naked body. So vulnerable. So many scars. All to create this perfect ending, the flawless finality of this. "It has always been hard. I have never stopped loving you, not for a single moment. I don't believe I ever will. But this is for the best, for both of us. You are so tired, Guts. So tired."

He presses one last kiss to his lips. "You can rest now."


End file.
